i laughed at my own joke

the antics of a motorcycle-driving, scarf wearing, tea drinking, joke loving daily flosser and self-proclaimed celebrity...

Permalink Martini 15 Key Lime Martini 1 1/2 oz malibu rum 1 1/2 oz citron absolut vodka 1/2 oz lemon juice Such a delightful taste in my mouth!  (That’s what she said…)  I am really enjoying every mouthful (Wow, she also said that….)  Strong (Does it have bite?)  Yes.  It smells so sweet as you lift it to your lips, but it definitely has bite as you swallow (…..) Tastiness (Could you drink it ALL day?)  I could drink it ALL day.  And all night, really.  Who am I kidding, I love the stuff! (…..) Difficulty (Is it hard? ……)  Haha.  Only as hard as you want it to be….. But actually, in all seriousness, it is SUCH a good martini.  I am very happy with it.  Although I dislike the name.  It does not taste like pie at all.
Permalink Martini 14 Agave Kiss 2 oz tequila 1 oz creme de cacao 1 oz chambord 2 oz cream sweet hearts for garnish Happy Valentine’s day!  All I wanted this year was candy that tells me how much it loves me, while I wait for my true Valentine. (#denial) Strong (Does it make you cry as much as being alone on Valentine’s day?)  No, it makes me quite happy.  it makes me forget all about my loneliness! Tastiness (Is this as sweet as the candy you had to buy yourself?)  Yes!  It is very nice, not very smooth or sweet, however.  I may double the chambord next time, and half the tequila.  That may also change the colour to a more pink hue.  It is a really weird pastel purple right now. Difficulty (Is it difficult to make this martini through the tears?)  Once you’ve wiped the tears from your cheeks, it is just a matter of following the recipe.   Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Permalink Martini 13 Butterscotch Ripple 1 oz butterripple schnapps 1 oz amarula cream 1 oz vodka splash milk The absolute perfect breakfast cocktail.  (my schedule, again, does not permit me to drink a martini this evening, therefore making it necessary I have one in the morning)  I threw some Quaker maple oat squares as garnish, and they were JUST the best part. Strong (Should you drive to work after this nutritious breakfast?)  It’s one thing to be pulled over at night and say, “honestly officer, I just had one,” but can you imagine first thing in the morning?  In the middle of rush hour traffic, “honestly officer, I only had one.” Can they arrest you for drinking before noon? Tastiness (Instead of milk could you have this with your cereal?)  I will take a tip from my Grama, who apparently used to do it all the time, and say, “yes.” Difficulty (Should I make this before or after my morning cup of coffee?)  It is very simple to make.  As long as you know what a ‘splash’ of milk looks like.  If you put too much in, you won’t taste the booze.  If you don’t put enough, the cop will ask for a breath sample. Overall (Is it only good for breakfast time?)  My dear, no!  You will see me drinking this in the morning, accompanying my lunch, as an afternoon snack and with dinner.  I could have friends over and drink it, I could drink it with my family!  I could drink it while watching a movie, watching the game, or watching Breaking Bad.  I could babysit and drink it, vacuum and drink it, and even pack for a vacation and drink it.  Really, the possibilities are endless.
Permalink Martini 12 The Reservoir Dog… (or Non Chocolate- Chocolate Milk) 1 1/2 oz baileys 1 1/2 oz jaggermeister 1/2 oz vodka I read the ingredients of this martini, and thought, “this is so GROSS!!!”  I then saw that it is also sometimes called, “Cold Chocolate Milk Martini.”  It had to be made. Strong (Are the rumours true?)  I don’t know what the proverbial ‘they’ have been saying, but it is pretty good.  It tastes like chocolate milk… but it has no chocolate… I really should have drunk it through a curly straw… Tastiness (Is it palette quenching?) It is very satisfactory.  I am enjoying the fact that I am drinking chocolate milk that has no chocolate or milk in it.  Plus, it smells nice.  And it was easy to make. Difficulty (What is the arduousness?) If you are like me, you probably don’t enjoy the smell of jaggermeister.  Once one moves past the initial odour after cracking the bottle, the actual making of the drink it easy! Overall (How many times did you say, “MmmMm!” while drinking it?) At least 12.  It was almost embarrassing at one point.  
Permalink Martini 11 Cinnamon Heart (because it warms the cockles of my heart…) 1 oz baileys 1 oz cinnamon schnapps dash of grenadine.. (but if you are like me and find yourself without grenadine, honey makes a fine substitute) My darling friend, Michael shared in the experience of martini 11.  I doubled the recipe. (and by ‘doubled,’ I mean ‘quadrupled,’ this guy can drink…) Strong (Is it strong enough to make even cupid crap his magic diaper?) Probably.  And then he would ask, “why the ‘Hades’ did you think it was a good idea to make this?!?!”   Tastiness (Does it make you wish the glass was empty?)  Yes.  I wish the glass was empty so I could forget about this undesirable drink.  But then there would be weird remnants from the baileys on the side of the glass, and a bad pink colour left in the bottom.  Not to mention the blueberries we thought would be a nice touch of garnish, but really became soggy, pink and creamy messes. Difficulty (Is it as hard to make this drink as it is being the messenger to the Greek Gods? -question submitted by Hermes)  No.  But it may be as hard to make it as it is to finish it… Don’t do it.  If I said it was really difficult to make, would you refrain from making it?  Then it is SO, terribly difficult to make. Overall (Why is it the colour of pepto-bismol?)  That is a good question.  I feel as though anything with such a disgusting colour should be kept out of my repertoire.  Although I am happy it happened…  I had to dislike a martini sooner or later, right?  I just wish it hadn’t of happened while Michael was over.. what ever will he think of me? 
Permalink Martini 10 Smootini or Breakfastini 1 1/2 oz gin 1/2 oz triple sec tsp lemon juice tsp raspberry jam splash orange juice (for vitamin C) My schedule this evening does not permit me to drink a martini.  I work from mid afternoon until late this evening, and it is a friend’s birthday, so I will not be home until late.  I HAD to have a martini for breakfast.. Strong (Do you have to call in drunk to work?)  Probably not.  There are only 2 shots in this bad boy plus the fact that I ate breakfast and drank this, I am going to be as sober as a whistle by the time I have to drive to work. Tastiness (Is this going to become part of a nutritious breakfast?)  I am licking my lips quite a bit.  Must have something to do with the tangy OJ and the sweet, sweet jam.  But frankly, it is too sweet.  I may have put more than a tsp of raspberry jam in it too.. More like a tbsp. Difficulty (How hard is it to make?)  It’s not too bad.  You can substitute any juice for the OJ and any jam for the raspberry.  In all honesty, you could probably use vodka instead of gin and something like creme de banana instead of triple sec.  Make it a WHOLE different drink.  What do YOU drink at breakfast? Overall (Do you have any feelings of self-loathing?)  Nope.  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere! Like Australia, or Indonesia… What is the time difference for Bora Bora?
Permalink Martini 9 Tic Tac Tini 2 oz orange vodka 1 oz creme de cacao 1 oz triple sec I made it up!  I was scouring the internet trying to find a martini with orange vodka and couldn’t find anything that also contained something else I had.  I took it on myself to create a new martini.   Strong (Is it like Optimus Prime?)  Yes, but sweeter.   Tastiness (Does it remind you of a breath mint type of candy?)  Why, yes!!  This drink tastes like a liquid version of a tic tac!  But this one is better…  It comes in a fun shaped glass. Difficulty (How did you make it?)  I took my trusty shaker, and began to pour.. Once I shook the shake right out of it, I drank it. Overall (What do ya think?) I would most definitely have it again!! Although I would half the recipe next time.  It is TOO strong.  At this stage, I might nickname it, ‘the panty remover.’
Permalink Martini 8 Triple Banana Tequini 1 1/2 oz tequila 1 oz creme de banane 1 oz triple sec I decided to shake it up a bit this evening and make a martini that is actually a shot.  I increased the ingredients each by 1/2 an ounce because, let’s be serious, it’s how I roll, and poured it into my martini glass, and called it a martini! (please see martini 4 for the letter I have written Webster’s regarding the definition of the word, ‘martini.’) Strong (how hard is it to suppress the alcohol face?)  It is pretty difficult.  While with every sip I am shivering a little less, I still shiver and I don’t foresee myself getting used to the taste any time soon.   Tastiness (what would you rank the smoothnessosity of this drink?)  WHOA! That’s not even a word.  Difficulty (Can ANYONE make it?)  The directions asked for some sort of layering manoeuvre using the back of a spoon and creating like a layering effect with layers?  So no.  It is not easy to make.  Unless you are like me and the layers in the glass are far less important than the layers in my tummy… VERY easy to dumb down. Overall (and?!?!) Nope.  I would totally pour this into a shot glass and make my friends drink it.  This should not have been turned into a martini, I have learned from my mistake.. Shots are shots and martinis are perfect.
Permalink Martini 7 White Nile Martini 1 oz amarula  1/2 oz triple sec 1/2 oz creme de cacao 1/2 oz vodka dash of cinnamon Absolutely divine.  Amarula fruit cream is made from a fruit found in Africa.  Only elephants are known to eat the fruit because they can reach the top branches of the Marula tree, where the fruit is grown.  Whoa!  Who knew drinking could be so educational?! Strong (will it ‘tusk’ you up? haha..)  Yes, but not before bloating you. Tastiness (IS IT LIKE DESSERT????)  IT IS LIKE DESSERT!!!!! I’m like, those elephants sure know their shit.  Difficulty (if you do it wrong will everything be ruined?)  Nope.  Amarula is good with anything or nothing.  Plus, I am pretty sure I over poured the creme de cacao and under poured the vodka by accident. (And when I say, “pretty sure,” I mean, “most definitely, there is no doubt in my mind.”  And when I say, “under poured the vodka by accident,” I mean, “intentionally over poured.”  I call it ‘Martini-stic’ licence.. haha) Overall (what is it good for?)  I would move to Africa and become what is known as an ‘elephant whisperer.’ This way, I would be able to forget my ordinary life as an alcoholic, and live with the elephants in South Africa.  They would teach me the ways of the savanna and once I gained their trust, they could help me up to the tallest branches of the Marula tree, and I would taste Marula fruit from the source.  Then come home and make another martini!!!!!!!  So, yes.  I like it.
Permalink Martini 6 Galwey Grey (named, I believe, after the Irish sky; grey, with a cloud cover) 1 1/2 oz vodka 1 oz creme de cacao 1 oz triple sec 1/2 oz lime juice shaken over ice, and layered milk on top Don’t know if I like the name of this martini.  It is kind of boring.  And unless one is incredibly worldly like myself, one may not be aware of the grey skies in Galwey, Ireland, therefore, not understanding the name.  I also dislike the look of this martini.  It is a cloudy white colour and the milk looks as though it is actually wet kleenex, or some sort of cooked egg white thing floating around on top.  As unappetising as this drink looks, it is absolutely delicious! But how does it do on the scale?? Strong (could I get ‘bladdered’ off of this thing?)  Oh yes.  You may not look as burly as those with a pint of Guinness, but this 3 1/2 oz wonder will sure put a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow.. Tasty (tey-stee, adjective) 100/10 -not a typo.  It is as tasty as a martini that tastes like chocolate and orange and a little zesty too.  It is like the best of all 3 worlds. Difficulty (is it a throbbing thistle to make?)  No.  I was mixing this martini whilst telling stories about my day, wiping tears away from my cheeks caused by the onions being chopped right next to me and texting.  (what CAN’T we do while texting???) Overall (is it as nice as a sunny day in Ireland?)  Yes, and while sitting in a pub, in Galwey, during your Irish holiday, you will be the hot topic as you tell the drunk Irish gentlemen how, and why, it is named after their beloved city.  And maybe you can lure a leprechaun with the sweet scent, and then catch him and use the pot of gold to buy more liquor!!! I always do my best to set you up for success.
Permalink Martini 5 ‘A Book By It’s Cover’ 2 oz vodka 1 oz creme de cacao 1 oz sambuca 1/2 oz milk shake it over ice (I don’t think that will ever differ..) I have named this martini, A Book By It’s Cover.  Because you can’t judge it.  Although it looks like Buckley’s, the ever unpopular cough medicine, this martini is absolutely delightful.  Now, I am a fan of liquorice to begin with, and that obviously doesn’t hurt, and perhaps those out there who hate the taste of liquorice won’t like this drink.  But don’t judge it.  At least try it once. Strong (does it taste only like alcohol???) No.  It tastes only like sambucca.. But some of the edge is taken away by the smoothness of the milk and the creme de cacao Tastiness (does it take you back to your childhood when your Grampa would reward you with liquorice allsorts from his pocket?) I can’t recall my Grampa ever doing that, but I feel as though this is the exact feeling I would have had. Difficulty (How much alcohol does this thing have in it?!?!) If I were planning to make more than one of these martinis, I would probably make a bulk batch to begin with.  Math can be difficult once you begin drinking.  Math has nothing to do with the making, but it would definitely be difficult to make any sort of martini after drinking a 4oz drink. Overall (Can you rate it out of 10?) I could. But, because I have only met 5 people in my life who actually like the taste of liquorice, the stats would be distorted.  It is definitely an acquired taste, like Buckley’s, the aforementioned cough syrup.  Just because you dislike the taste, doesn’t mean it won’t make your oesophagus burn, your eyelids undesirably heavy and your friends look at you funny as it appears you’re drinking cough syrup out of a martini glass.
Permalink Martini 4 The Jane Goodall (because it tastes like bananas… monkeys like bananas… Jane Goodall likes monkeys… you can see how I reached that…) 1 oz creme de banane 1 oz kahlua 1 oz milk shake it like a polaroid picture with ice. (but don’t do that with a polaroid picture because it will ruin the film) This is absolutely the best martini I have had so far.  It is a family favourite.  Smooth, creamy, tastes like a milkshake… but instead of feeling bloated after finishing 3, you feel tipsy! Strong (like Popeye?) No, well yes… but no.  Doesn’t even have a kick.. I would say it’s as strong as Popeye’s bicep, not his forearm. Tastiness (is it funny like monkeys?) Well, it tastes good.  It’s not funny.  Unless you have an active imagination. Difficulty (can a monkey make it?)  Probably not.  It would drink all of the creme de banane before it made it into the drink.  However, humans should have no trouble.   Overall (whaddya think, Beth?)  I think A plus.  It is very nice to drink, look at, and smell!  Plus, it goes down like juice, and isn’t that really what we want in a drink? So, martini folks, I looked up the definition of the word ‘martini’ in Webster’s dictionary.  It says that it is an “alcoholic drink made with gin or vodka and vermouth.”  Now, you can imagine my devastation upon reading this.  I have decided to write a strongly worded letter to Webster’s and demand they change the definition of the word to meet the 21st century.  I proposed a new definition for them; “anything in a martini glass.” Hopefully they agree, and if not, I will start a petition. See ya tomorrow!!!!!
Permalink Martini 3 Blue Martini 2 oz gin 1 oz blue curaçao  shaken with ice! I’ve decided to add a new section to Beth’s martini scale. Name (does the name kick butt?)  Well, ya!  Instead of wasting my time guessing what this martini will look like, they tell me.  This martini has nothing to hide!  It’s BLUE! Tastiness (how often do I lick my lips in between sips?)  Not very often.  But it IS making me feel warm inside…  Difficulty (is it as easy as it sounds?) Yes.  Two ingredients.  Shake.  Pour.  Marvel at the bright blue color.  Drink Overall (Do I actually like it?)  I feel like it is something I would drink at a bar in hopes that a fresh 18 year old girl would see and then order at a bar because it looks cool and she is hoping to grab some attention from some of the cute guys around.  She unfortunately doesn’t have the years of experience that I do, suppressing the inevitable ‘alcohol’ face, therefore making an utter fool of herself, and being scarred for life.  Meanwhile, I sip my martini, suppress the face, and receive a plethora of phone numbers from cute guys who think my drink looks cool…. So, yes, I would have it again.
Permalink Martini 2 Lemon Drop 2 oz vodka 1/2 lemon 1 tsp sugar (but if you are like me, 2) Holy toledo it is strong.  Obviously, it is all vodka.  Refreshing?  If you call the shivers up your spine refreshing.. Strong (but doesn’t taste too strong)  TOO strong for little ol’ me.  Maybe with another tsp or 4 of sugar I would be able to drink with a straight face. Tastiness (lip lickability) Super lickable.  Also, gives one a chance to practice their ‘sour face.’ Difficulty (could your cousins dog make it if you taped a martini shaker to it’s paws?) Yes, as long as the dog has flare! Overall (how does it stand up to the tests of time and the all knowing blog?)  When life gives ya lemons, squeeze it into vodka and call it a drink!
Permalink Martini 1 Amaretto Stinger 1/2 oz white creme de menthe 1 1/2 oz amaretto ice Shaken, not stirred (let’s be serious) Tastes real good.  Sweet and minty like a hard candy.  Ill-named… nothing ‘stinger’ about it. Strong (but doesn’t taste too strong) :  8/10 Tastiness (I can’t stop licking my lips) :  lips are sticky/10    Difficulty (from untrained monkey to rocket scientist) :  untrained monkey Overall (would I make it again?)  Yes.  For only my favourite friends.